The selling of women

Recently I was reading a friends blog in which she was questioning the images that our blogs present to others. She was wondering whether we can really know someone from their blog, can we really understand that person from the picture they present in an electronic forum. Her point being that blogs may only show one side of a person and that even that picture may not represent the real person behind the blog. Things only a woman would worry about!

But her blog did get me to thinking (and that occurs about as often as a full moon), do we ever present the true picture of ourselves to others? Too deep a thought I said to myself, perhaps a better question is - why do women wear makeup? (It’s on the same topic line at least).

Packaging my friend - strictly packaging. Women are great at hiding their true physical self by excessive, smart packaging. At an early age they begin with make-up, bras that are constantly battling against the true nature of gravity, nail polish, ear rings, rings of all types and in all locations, $200 hair cuts (sorry - hair styles), exfoliating agents, anti wrinkle creams - lotions, potions and decorations of all kinds. I suspect that women believe that their true self is enhanced by all this packaging. Experienced men, however, know better - packaging is packaging and it often bears little resemblance to the actual article inside.

In the old days men did not take part in this packaging scam. We were who you saw before you. At best we ran a comb through our hair once a day, changed our underwear every second day, bathed once a week and occasionally used underarm deodorant, usually on a Friday night if we had a date. But even that has changed. Men are now waxing, getting their hair styled, piercing their ears and other parts, wearing contacts, and opting for plastic surgery in an attempt to stem the advancing tide of old age. In fact I will admit that even I have resorted to dyeing my beard to keep me from looking like Santa Claus without the red suit.




But can you blame women,or for that matter even the metrosexual males of today? Look at our society. Do most of us buy our meat from a butcher shop anymore or do we prefer the nicely wrapped & packaged cuts at our local supermarket? When we select a car, is not our decision primarily based on looks and sex appeal as opposed to functionality or gas mileage? Do we not pick up books - in part because of how the the cover appeals to us? Think about it - almost everything we buy from Advil to Zoodles is packaged to attract and heighten our interest as consumers. We have become slaves to the pretty packages that assault us in all aspects of our daily life.



Now don’t get me wrong. I love the packaging. After all, isn’t it a known fact that sexy girls in bikinis will suddenly spring from the very earth we stand upon if we were to open a beer at the beach? When I go to buy a car I do so with an image in mind. I walk right past the boring family car without a second glance. I want a car with chrome, leather, shiny tires, and fancy digital crap stuck all over the dash. The advertisements of hot babes laying across the hood of the car certainly influence my decision. I am all for packaging. But, unlike most women, men my age (I’m not so sure about the current generation of males), understand that what we are getting is 90% packaging - and we are ok with that. In fact if it were up to us - we wouldn’t even open the package. We know from experience that in most cases the packaging is superior to the gift inside. After all - if packaging was less important than the product, Victoria Secret wouldn’t sell a single garment in a size 12 or above.




Women on the other hand, can’t wait to rip off what little packaging the male has managed to wrap himself in. Women don’t care about the packaging since they want the gift inside. For it is only when they obtain the gift that they can set about modifying it to their liking or in the worst case scenario - returning it, usually in a package deal with a worn out canoe.

Someone once said; “A man marries a woman with the hope that she won’t change - while a women marries a man with the expectation of changing him”. This is too true - we love the packaging - the more the better - and the longer it is before we are forced to open the package - the better. Packaging my friends - the timeless art of seduction.

It's All About Chelsea

Ok I give - I withdraw my sexist photogenic comments. Chelsea, I figured a photo like that should be shared with the world.

Photogenic Females

Just wanted to pick up on a thought I had while writing the blog for the Weekly Cartel meeting this week. That being, why do so many women hate having their picture taken. In almost all cases they will offer up an excuse as to why you shouldn’t take their picture. Excuses such as; please I’m not very photogenic, or my hair’s a mess today, or whatever. (Actually I just realized I don’t listen to their excuses because I couldn’t remember anymore when I tried to write this yet I know I have heard several more.)

The denial of having their picture taken leads to an interesting conclusion. By refusing the picture, that person is saying that it is OK for you (the picture taker and everyone else who sees them) to be subjected to their hideous looks in person but they themselves don’t want a record of their hideousness just in case they are forced to look at it. Basically they are saying that they are too good to gaze upon grotesqueness but it is fine for them to subject you to their grotesqueness.

But more to the point - why is it women who mainly do this. Why are women so lacking in confidence when it comes to their looks. A guy can be 50 pounds overweight, have a beer gut that would make most pregnant women jealous, and have more hair on his back than on his head - and this guy will still believe that he is the sexiest thing to walk the face of the earth. Women - not so much so. Why? I’m really interested to know the answer - and don’t give me that "it’s society" crap since more than 50% of society is comprised of women.

V for Vendetta

For those of you who have seen the movie, you will know the scene I am about to describe. For those of you who don't - at the start of the movie, the main female character in the movie, Evey (Natalie Portman), is about to get raped by three men when miraculously - in steps a masked vigilante, known only as "V" - who comes to her rescue. As a side note 'V' is played by Hugo Wallace Weaving - better known from his roles in Lord of the Rings and the Matrix.


After beating the crap out of the three men, 'V' then stops and introduces himself to the much frightened Evey. I have included a picture of 'V' to try and set the scene but unless you have seen the movie it is likely to fall short of my intentions. Anyway - 'V' launches into his introduction of himself to Evey with a speech that I think is exceptionally well written and delivered by Hugo Wallace Weaving. Courtesy of one of my students, Thanks H, I include it below.




Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

Weekly Cartel Update - Mar. 25

For the second week in a row all four members of the Cartel were present for the weekly meeting, albeit one member (Darlene) forgot to bring her LED membership secret decoder light. The conversation, at times, was quite animated as the women of the group failed to recognize that the majority of problems men face today are caused by women. Eventually the question was put to a vote and the consensus was that men’s problems are indeed caused mainly by women.

The staff at Wild Wing was once attentive and responsive to the needs of the Cartel and were rewarded for their extraordinary effort with the presentation of a Lime, Orange, and Lemon Salt & Pepper set. I know it doesn’t make sense to have three in a set but get over it (LED). Pictured here is the very lovely Ali. Despite her protestations, I’m sure that you will all agree that Ali is extremely photogenic. Why is it that women don’t believe that they are photogenic even when they are obviously very beautiful? Who knows - maybe that will be a rant for the future.

Anyway - off to the movies to see Inside Man with Denzel Washington and Clive Owen ( one of my favourite actors). A good movie but you could take a miss on the Big Screen and settle to see it on DVD.

The Tie Files - The Quest Continues

Two weeks passed rather quickly and Monday morning I was left with the choice; to continue the quest or stop and wear a nice tie.

Does anyone remember that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer and the car salesman (Rick) took the car for a ride and Kramer wouldn't let the salesman stop for gas. Kramer wanted to see how far the car would go. The same episode that had George, in trying to get the mechanic to admit that he ate his twix bar, undertook a candybar line-up. Season 9, Episode 167, The Dealership.

If so - my quest has become Kramer like. I want to see how far I can go "below the slash". Can I make it to the end of the month before pride and good taste force me to quit. Can I make it into the first few days of April? Who knows - but I sure as hell am going to try - Woooooooo Hooooooooooo.


(Rick and Kramer are driving back to the dealership)

RICK: (Seeing the turn-off up ahead) There’s the dealer!

KRAMER: Hey!

RICK: We did! We pulled it off! I can’t believe it! Where’s the needle?

KRAMER: Oh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo!

RICK: Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I - I learned a lot. Things are gonna be different for me now.

KRAMER: Well, that’s a weird thing to say..

RICK: I wonder how much longer we could have lasted.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. I wonder.. hmm.

(They both eye each other, then Kramer slams on the gas, attempting to go even longer. They both cheer and scream out)

3-D Simpsons

Just a quick note for tonight - This was referred to me by a student of mine (who should have been working on math!!!). It's really well done.

Damn You Kate!

To set this story up you have to understand a wee bit of Bob history. Several years ago I had a student named Kate who was in several of my classes, most annoying in my Calculus class. At least once a week, Kate would storm out of my class because I had pushed her too far - and on her way out she would scream as loud as possible - I hate this F’n school. Kate and I had a real love / hate relationship during her time at the school. Fast forward, Kate goes off to university and we keep in touch - especially around Big Brother time. This is a reality show on CBS. Kate and I would talk each week about what was going on in the Big Brother house and compare notes, etc.

As some of you may know I am a bit of a geek when it comes to the CBS show Big Brother. So much so that I have named my chair Janelle after one of the contestants on the show this past summer, see previous post. Also, after watching Howie, another contestant in the Big Brother house, play with his light sabre on the show I was possessed with the need to own one myself - which I finally bought for myself this past Christmas. Howie and Janelle were my two favourites on the show.

Well, until today, I hadn’t heard from Kate in a some time (sigh - how soon they forget). Today, Kate contacts me bursting with news from her recent trip to Cancun. Apparently Kate is in a bar in Cancun when someone she recognizes comes into the bar. After some puzzlement, Kate finally clues in as to who this person is - yep - Howie from Big Brother! Kate gets to talk to Howie, gets her picture taken with him, gets to wear his hat, and even gets hit upon by Howie. Now I am really jealous - if going to Cancun isn’t bad enough the damn girl gets to meet Howie.

Damn you, Kate! Love you, Kate!

Weekly Cartel Update - Mar. 18

History was made this week as all four members of the Cartel were present at this weeks meeting. This has never happened before in the history of the Cartel and, considering the prognostications of Dr. DandyCube two weeks ago, we were prepared for the worst.

Alas, the meeting went well and, given the historic nature of the meeting, Mrs. C (LED) presented the Cartel with a symbolic icon of the historic event. The Latin inscription on the icon roughly translates to - may our wit, charm, intelligence, and general good looks shine forever - or something like that. You may also notice in the picture, in order to preserve and give testament to the once male heritage of the Cartel, the event was also attended by a long legged California blonde in a bikini. Can life get any better!

The staff at Wild Wing was presented with a Salt & Pepper set smuggled out of Alcatraz, may I say at great risk to me personally, during my recent visit there.


I have also documented a few of the other sets available for viewing at Wild Wing.

Additional documentation expected in the weeks to come. Alternatively you could visit Wild Wing and indulge in the best wings and staff this side of the Mississippi while enjoying the many Salt & Pepper sets lining the walls.


Address:
16635 Yonge Street,
Newmarket, ON, L3X 1V6, Canada
Phone:
(905) 830-1515


After dinner we proceeded to the moving pictures to take in ‘V for Vendetta’. I must say an excellent movie despite the underlying message that change through terrorism is acceptable. Go see it on the Big Screen - well worth it.

Canadian Club or the Great Seal Hunt

I am tired of all the ignorant, stupid people who are currently protesting the annual Canadian seal hunt while sitting on their fat arses on their couch chowing down a hamburger. First off, it has been a long time since the cute, white, baby seals have been clubbed to death. Now a days the little baby seals remain untouched while over 90% of the adult seals are shot rather than clubbed to death.

Anyone who has eaten meat in the past year or wears leather has no right to their self righteous views over the seal hunt. After all, it is simply harvesting an animal - to use the PC terminology - no different than what happens to cows, pigs, chickens and sheep. I mean seriously, do you really believe that cows are happy on the way to the slaughter house. That some worker sings them to sleep before they give them a lethal injection before carving them up for your dinner table? Get real - the brutality of slaughtering an animal is the same whether it be a cow or a seal. The only real difference is that the slaughter of cows and chickens and the like, occurs behind closed doors because most of us would throw up in revulsion if we were to actually observe the process.

Last night I had a feed of wings and they were delicious. I don’t want to know how the chicken was killed, it would put me off my appetite. Ignorance is bliss - and it also means I have no right to protest the legal harvesting of other animals. So, in my humble opinion, if you are a true Vegan ( and I purposely exclude Vegetarians ) than you have every right to protest the seal hunt - as you would any other slaughter operation regardless of the species. But if you are one of the vast majority who plan on eating meat, or using animal products, sometime this year - yet you feel the need to protest the seal hunt - well SHUT THE HELL UP before I club some sense into you.




On a lighter note: I couldn't resist the following picture which illustrates a more revolting, inhumane form of seal clubbing.

Male Fantasy Files Updated

The Male Fantasy File Update #5 - Bikini Bottom Island - is now available.

Click on the Link to the Right.

Indecent Proposal

A few months back a friend and I were discussing various options for our retirement - should that day ever come. Yes I know it is hard to believe that we would even consider such a thing at our age but it is never to early to plan ahead. You have to understand that neither of us want to live forever - we just want to live out the last ten years as best we can.

The dilemma that we soon came upon was how, given our limited funds, we were going to be able to attract the attention of a nice, wholesome, well tanned, well endowed, 20 something year old cute blonde to mate with us during our retirement years. I mean we had our chance when we were 20 ourselves but we both mucked that up badly. Then, being the geniuses we are (were?), we came upon an idea that any young attractive female should have found irresistible.

We would approach the female of our choice with the following proposition - we would take out a 2 million dollar life insurance policy naming them as the beneficiary. It would be a ten year term policy and if she (the young female) was worth her weight, we wouldn’t see the end of the ten years, which would suit us just fine. We would even promise to accidentally ‘fall down the stairs’ if the ten year limit was approaching and nature hadn’t done her job. It was a perfect proposition - we would get what we wanted for the last ten years of our life and they would be millionaires in their early 30’s.

So, being the geniuses we are, we decided to test out our theory. Over the next several weeks we consulted with several 20 something year old attractive women and much to our surprise we discovered that none were even remotely interested in our proposition. This was a shock - how had we been so wrong?

Several meetings and many beers later we uncovered the flaw in our plan. Most 20 something year old women (girls) actually believe that they are going to get married to some nice rich guy and live happily ever after in a big house with a white picket fence. At that age, females (and may I add males) don’t have an F’n clue what shit life has yet to pile upon them. They are too naive.










We thought long and hard about this new obstacle and after many more beers finally came up with the solution. The only 20 something year old attractive females with any sense of reality would be - of course - strippers and hookers. It was simple - ask a girl who knows what life is really about and they would only be too happy to jump at the chance to be a millionaire in 10 years. Also, given their current employment status they shouldn't have any qualms about the proposition - geniuses I tell Ya!




What can I say - I’m off to my insurance agent tomorrow. Tiffany wants this in writing by Friday.

A Week in California - Condensed Version

Well readership, I am back safe and sound - though that can't be said of everyone in my travel party. I'll get to that later. On the first full day we stopped in for a tour of the UCLA campus. Nestled in the hills of Hollywood and Bel Air, it is one of the nicest campuses I've ever seen. It made me wish I was young enough to go back to college.


Later, we took a driving tour to see the local sites of LA. This included, Sunset Blvd, Hollywood, Mulholland Drive, Malibu, finishing up at the Santa Monica Pier. Of course no trip to LA would be complete without a stop at the World Famous Mashti Malones. An Iranian-Irish ice cream store - go figure.










Up early in the morning and after visiting several more cold, wind swept, empty beaches, we were off up the coast on US 1. After an overnight somewhere on the coast we finally made it to San Francisco late afternoon. Our first tour of San Francisco lasted almost 5 minutes, then our navigator took a wrong turn and we wound up in Oakland for 3 hours before finally getting back to San Francisco.

The next day we were up early for a day long walking tour, a ride on the trolley, of course, and a visit to Alcatraz - naturally. Surprisingly, San Francisco is very flat and the walking was easy!









After visiting Stanford Univ. and Berkley Univ. in the morning, we were once again on the road for the long drive back to LA. Made an overnight at a Motel 6 somewhere in the Fresno Valley where Megan broke into the pool area for a midnight swim.



The last day - we were ahead of schedule and so managed a quick stop at the also famous Randy's Donut shop before boarding the plane. Though it was the coldest weather they have had in California in ten years, the trip was fantastic.






Now - for the bad news. We arrived Toronto at 11 pm and on her way home to Kingston that night, Megan (my navigator on the California trip), spun out on some black ice and rolled her car several times on the 401. She is alright but now without a car. I've always told her that she was a better navigator than driver.