Eco-Footprint my Ass! What about your Ass-Footprint?

Today I went shopping at the local grocery store for a few supplies. As it is the beginning of the holiday season I knew it was going to be busy. I knew the checkouts would be long and the parking supply short. I knew that, to get through the ordeal, extreme patience on my part would be required .

Indeed I was patient as I walked around snot-nosed crying children, women with shopping lists the size of a small novels in their hands complete with a determined ‘get the hell out of my way’ grimace affixed to their face. Their pussy whipped counterparts trailing behind them firmly grasping the handle of their shopping cart trying hard not to get caught staring at the occasional good looking female striding past them with a vapour trail of exotic perfume following behind. You could almost see these poor lost souls mentally comparing the physical attributes of their spouse with those of the sexy, young women breezing past. I could feel their pain. God how I love the holidays and that look on the faces of married men. The “how did I arrive here in my life?” look.

As I tried to exit the store I encountered a traffic jam. A man had stopped his cart in the ‘exit’ hallway to load up a package of water bottles. Why we feel the need to buy water in plastic bottles is beyond me but that is another blog. As this man tried to lift the package of water bottles into his cart the plastic shrink wrap surrounding the bottles slipped off the top and the bottles started to tumble out. At this point he had no choice but to pick up the bottles that had tumbled out, push them to one side and attempt to load another case of water.

Now I don’t blame this man for interfering with my exit from the store. Firstly, under normal circumstances, there should have been sufficient room to go around him and secondly, he had no choice as to where the water bottles were stored. He had to stop his cart in the exit hallway. Additionally, it was likely he was only at the store collecting water because his wife had made him go to the grocery store. A single man likely would only purchase water one bottle at a time and then only from the local gas station or convenience store. I felt his pain.

What I don’t understand is the endless supply of fat, self indulgent women in this world. Standing right next to this man were three women who had stopped to have a little chat about their ‘friend’ Sally who recently had a baby and had apparently not yet lost the weight. Though I do not know Sally, I none-the-less felt compelled to call her and inform her that these three fat bitches seemed to be experts in finding and storing lost weight if she, Sally, were to ever lose her weight and needed it back.

What is it with fat people - are they not aware of the relationship between circumference and diameter? Are they not aware of their ass footprint size? As an example, if you have a waistline of 50 inches ( and I’m being kind to these women) it is easy to calculate that the area of your ass-fat footprint is over to 200 square inches with a “block the lane” profile of almost 16 inches - that’s almost 1.5 feet!. In reality the effect is even more exaggerated since their stomachs tend to stick out in the opposite direction of their ass. It is known in the scientific community as the DAFI or ‘Doubling of the Ass Fat Impact’. Put the combination of three fat asses along with two shopping carts in the store exit lane and you have the beginnings of a human traffic plug somewhat akin to inserting a wad of hair into your sink drains. Nothing can get through.

Did these women recognize that they were blocking people? Did they not clue in to the numbers of people starting to line up in front of them as well as the line on the other side queuing up to enter the store? Did they think that we had gathered about them to hear about Sally and her weight problems? Did they not recognize that the combination of their three fat asses was effectively blocking the entire lane of traffic trying to exit and enter the store. Apparently not.

Apparently fat assed women don’t have a sense of humour either. I received a very nasty and bitter stare from all three when I suggested to the one lady nearest me that she should move to the left a bit so that she could BLOCK EVERYTHING INCLUDING LIGHT FROM ENTERING THE STORE!!

I don’t know - I thought it was a funny line. But then again - perhaps that is why I remain single .... and happy.